Opening up

Truly opening up to someone about your deepest and darkest secrets is, I believe, one of the hardest things. The fear of judgement, disappointment, and the unknown is absolutely distressing. When you don't get the reaction you want, you constantly think about that moment over and over again. You think about how you could of explained it better, you think about what you said and if it is something you should be ashamed of, you think about what the other person is thinking. It never really leaves your mind. Opening up and letting someone else know something about myself is and has always been a huge leap of faith for me. Today I did just that. I took a leap of faith and I trusted the people I was telling. My heart was pumping so hard and I could feel this nervous lump in my throat. The fear that perhaps they wouldn't believe me and think I was seeking attention was my first thought then I jumped to the thought that if I told them right now, they would forever think of me that way. But I told them something I've never told anyone in my entire life... not really. I once tried to tell my best friend but I never really said it out loud and we never really delved deeper into it. It was just like an acknowledgement thing. I don't think she knows to what extend. And I honestly don't think she really cared all that much. I think that's what hurt the most. That I put myself out there in a vulnerable position, only feel hollow and forever judged. I felt like I was completely exposed and as I attempting to explain myself and fully open up, she kinda stopped me and told me she knew... like it was obvious. I became so fearful and I still am to this day, like everyone can see that I'm broken and messed up. But mostly I believe that no one really knows the truth. I think everyone thinks that I'm strong and I'm happy and I don't have a care in the world and everything is sunshine and roses. And I would like people to believe that. But I think in that way, nobody is really there for me. I feel like I have too keep up this image and no one can know that I'm really effing messed up.
When I opened up today to two girls that I love dearly but I haven't been friends with long, I received copious amounts of love and support. I had someone to share my feelings and issues with. I had someone to talk to. I felt like a little bit of weight was lifted off my chest. Like I didn't have to bare the weight of the world on my shoulders anymore.  And I wasn't alone. And I feel like I'm getting better at recognizing my true friends. It honestly is true what they say about friend. There are plenty of good friends, true friends are the ones that are hard to find.

At this stage you are probably wondering what I'm actually talking about.... Even though you probably think it's about assignments and exams, since that is literally the only thing I've been talking about for months now. It's surprisingly not. It's something much worse and troubling. I don't think I'm quite ready to tell the internet my deepest and darkest secret. And I honestly don't think I ever will be. But I strive to be a success story. I am working at becoming less messed up. I just want to let everyone else out there and all my friends who read this space, I hope that you all find the courage to let someone know something about yourself that you are finding hard to keep to yourself. I've been wanting to tell someone for years now but the fear just terrified me so much that bottling it up and dealing with it myself was all I knew how to do. I never thought letting another person know was actually the best thing I could have ever done. I feel like I've made a positive impact on myself. I really encourage those who are struggling and really want to tell someone but they are afraid, to just go and do it. Tell a loved one, tell someone in the same boat, tell a professional, or even a stranger. Who knows how they will react. And honestly their reaction shouldn't be your biggest concern, what they do afterwards should be. I really don't need someone to cure me or help me with my problems. I just need someone to talk to and listen to me. You can't plan and control everything in your life, so when you tell someone something BIG you have to be a bit forgiving if they don't react the way you want them to. Give them some time to process everything. And if they're still a fucking bitch about it then cut them out of your life. You don't need that negativity and someone weighing you down. I guess that's why it's called a leap of faith. Take the leap! You never know, you might end up on the other side.

I would like to leave you with this song. I heard it for the first time today when I was driving home and it really spoke to me. It's not like all my problems went away or it was a huge revelations. It was just a nice song. And for people who feel more comfortable seeking a divine source for guidance, then this song might be something you would like to listen to. I just really like the beat lol

That is all for today my lovelies!!! I will converse with you in a future time period.
♡X♡X