Opening up

Truly opening up to someone about your deepest and darkest secrets is, I believe, one of the hardest things. The fear of judgement, disappointment, and the unknown is absolutely distressing. When you don't get the reaction you want, you constantly think about that moment over and over again. You think about how you could of explained it better, you think about what you said and if it is something you should be ashamed of, you think about what the other person is thinking. It never really leaves your mind. Opening up and letting someone else know something about myself is and has always been a huge leap of faith for me. Today I did just that. I took a leap of faith and I trusted the people I was telling. My heart was pumping so hard and I could feel this nervous lump in my throat. The fear that perhaps they wouldn't believe me and think I was seeking attention was my first thought then I jumped to the thought that if I told them right now, they would forever think of me that way. But I told them something I've never told anyone in my entire life... not really. I once tried to tell my best friend but I never really said it out loud and we never really delved deeper into it. It was just like an acknowledgement thing. I don't think she knows to what extend. And I honestly don't think she really cared all that much. I think that's what hurt the most. That I put myself out there in a vulnerable position, only feel hollow and forever judged. I felt like I was completely exposed and as I attempting to explain myself and fully open up, she kinda stopped me and told me she knew... like it was obvious. I became so fearful and I still am to this day, like everyone can see that I'm broken and messed up. But mostly I believe that no one really knows the truth. I think everyone thinks that I'm strong and I'm happy and I don't have a care in the world and everything is sunshine and roses. And I would like people to believe that. But I think in that way, nobody is really there for me. I feel like I have too keep up this image and no one can know that I'm really effing messed up.
When I opened up today to two girls that I love dearly but I haven't been friends with long, I received copious amounts of love and support. I had someone to share my feelings and issues with. I had someone to talk to. I felt like a little bit of weight was lifted off my chest. Like I didn't have to bare the weight of the world on my shoulders anymore.  And I wasn't alone. And I feel like I'm getting better at recognizing my true friends. It honestly is true what they say about friend. There are plenty of good friends, true friends are the ones that are hard to find.

At this stage you are probably wondering what I'm actually talking about.... Even though you probably think it's about assignments and exams, since that is literally the only thing I've been talking about for months now. It's surprisingly not. It's something much worse and troubling. I don't think I'm quite ready to tell the internet my deepest and darkest secret. And I honestly don't think I ever will be. But I strive to be a success story. I am working at becoming less messed up. I just want to let everyone else out there and all my friends who read this space, I hope that you all find the courage to let someone know something about yourself that you are finding hard to keep to yourself. I've been wanting to tell someone for years now but the fear just terrified me so much that bottling it up and dealing with it myself was all I knew how to do. I never thought letting another person know was actually the best thing I could have ever done. I feel like I've made a positive impact on myself. I really encourage those who are struggling and really want to tell someone but they are afraid, to just go and do it. Tell a loved one, tell someone in the same boat, tell a professional, or even a stranger. Who knows how they will react. And honestly their reaction shouldn't be your biggest concern, what they do afterwards should be. I really don't need someone to cure me or help me with my problems. I just need someone to talk to and listen to me. You can't plan and control everything in your life, so when you tell someone something BIG you have to be a bit forgiving if they don't react the way you want them to. Give them some time to process everything. And if they're still a fucking bitch about it then cut them out of your life. You don't need that negativity and someone weighing you down. I guess that's why it's called a leap of faith. Take the leap! You never know, you might end up on the other side.

I would like to leave you with this song. I heard it for the first time today when I was driving home and it really spoke to me. It's not like all my problems went away or it was a huge revelations. It was just a nice song. And for people who feel more comfortable seeking a divine source for guidance, then this song might be something you would like to listen to. I just really like the beat lol

That is all for today my lovelies!!! I will converse with you in a future time period.
♡X♡X

FREE... dom?

Uh not quite just yet. Though I've been freed(?) free-ed... from the trials and tribulations, the pain and agony, the blood, sweat and tears, the hardship and sorrow... you get the point. Just the overall shittiness of assignments. I think you know how much crap that's been going on. Literally assignments after the next. And honestly it's not my fault I wasn't on top of everything. I had to ask for extensions for EVERY single one of my assignment. Oh EXCEPT for one. The one that started it all. The one that ruined my entire semester. It was the one that I focused all my attention and which caused me to neglect me other studies and assessment pieces and to top it all off, I didn't even get a great mark. I got 62/100. Barely even a credit. Absolutely terrible. And why you ask did I put all my energy into this assignment. Well I'll tell you why. Because someone I thought I could depend on and count on let me down. I don't give a bloody rats ass if she who shall not be named even reads this. Maybe then she'll actually give a fuck. This assignment was a group assignment. Why they chose to give us a group assignment in third year is beyond me. Fucking crappy and ridiculous. I don't want to damage my graduate position because others couldn't get their shit together. Anyway, I went with two other friends and because the group need to consist of 6 people we had to have someone else added in to kinda be closer to 6. All together we had 4 girls which was already a small group. The other girl I later found out was in second year so I'm sure she was living in happy second year land where everything is still a fairy tale and magical fairy dust and unicorns exist while I was living in reality aka a pit of fiery hell also known as struggle street. Anyway this girl had no fucking consideration whatsoever to the rest of the group. I didn't even meet her until we were three weeks into the assignment. And even then she didn't do anything. She made absolutely no fucking contribution to the group. When confronted with our issues and concerns she turned it around on us saying that we didn't try to work with her. When in fact we had arranged MULTIPLE meetings with her to suit her 'busy schedule' and she'd just text us last minute making up excuses like 'I have a work meet' oh I'm fucking sorry, I never knew work meetings take all fucking day you whore. After that I wanted to inform our lecturer and have her removed from our group. But the other girl from the group wanted to give her another chance and asked her to write a paragraph for us which took her the longest century to write. Eventually the timing went awry and we didn't end up kicking her off or reporting her. But that is one issue I've semi let go. My biggest issue is with the other girl in the group. My friend was dealing with her own issues and I fully understand that. I mean I get it, I really do. I don't think it's actually unheard of that people go through shit in they're life. I've been through a fuck load of shit. More than I like to divulge, maybe at another time that isn't 3 in the morning. I don't think it's totally unreasonable for me to expect that she not let her shit affect a group assignment. If we ask you to do something you should do it to the best of your abilities. And she definitely did not do that. I was rewriting everything she produced. It was all shit. That's me being blatantly honest.  So not only was me and my other friend having to pull the leg work of some fuck wit we didn't even know, we had to support my other friend who wasn't with it. Eventually she couldn't handle it anymore and made a dramatic get away escape and dropped out of the course and left everything behind in an instant. I'm not exaggerating when I say it was dramatic. I'm not going to go into the details of her departure because that's her business but I will say that it was all very dramatized. She didn't even really tell anyone the core reason behind what caused a certain reaction which caused her 'cant handle' moving to another state. That was all good for her, to be able to get away from it all. I'm slightly envious. I really wish that I could just get away. But I'm more so pissed off. She left! And me and my friend were left to do an assignment that was originally meant for 6 people, was now left for just us to do. 2 people in 1 week. We did it but I took all our concentration on the one assessment piece. Which now leads us back to my original predicament of falling behind. In all honestly, I can't really blame anyone but myself. I like to think that other people such as my friend played a part in it but ultimately it comes down to me and if I'm really being honest, there were many times I procrastinated, partied, and just wasted a lot of my time when I could have been doing my assignments. 

Anyway, even though I'm done with assignment for this semester, I've still got an uphill battle to face. I have exams to study for and though they're still a few week away, I've got to start preparing now. My mother is leaving to go to china to deal with some housing issues and she'll be gone for three weeks. Which means I have to help out at the family restaurant while she's away. So I won't have any time to study at night since I'll be taking the night shift. After two weeks my dad will be joining my mother which means during my exam block, I'll be all alone in the house. With the expecting of the dogs. Now I love my dogs but I hate taking care of them. And that's during holidays. I don't really want to look after two dogs during exams. Fully stressing already. I don't even wanna thinking about what I'm going to do about food. I may starve!? Lol jk! Look at me, I'll never starve haha. 

To top if off I just found out for placement next semester (placement is when I get to go on prac as a student nurse to hospitals and gain experience. No pay, full shift work and its Monday to Friday for 4 weeks) I'm on first and second block meaning it begins on the 1st of July. Let me out that into perspective for you. My last exam is on the 21st of June. Meaning I have exactly a week and a before I head off to placement. Meaning I have a week of holiday. Oh but wait! I've decided a week of holiday is wayyy too much time lol -_- I just signed up for a course to do over the week. MEANING no holidays. AT ALL! I've decided to do this because I believe that it will be good for me in the long run. After struggling to do 4 courses this semester I think by doing one during the holiday and only doing 3 courses next semester, I might be able to keep my sanity. Here's hoping. 

Anyway that is the latest update in the life of YAN so fascinating, I know. I promise to have something interesting to talk about in the next post or at least not bore you with my petty little issues. But then again this is my blog so... If you don't like it then GTFO! Yeah! But no seriously, not leave. LOVE ME!!! I don't have many friends :( lol! ^^ 

Love y'all and stay hip 

♡X♡X

Focu.... what was I saying?

Focus Focus Focus!!! *opens up blog*
As per usual I am struggling to focus on my assignment. An assignment to which I requested an extension for. An assignment that is now due in 1.5 days. An assignment that is 2000 words and I currently have 200 words. I call that progress. Not really... lol
And as per usual I have planned to do another all nighter. Hopefully this shall be the last night I go without sleep... for this semester. I can't make any promises about next semester. Oh the joys of final year. I will definitely be a heck of a lot happier when I graduate... If I survive that long.
Other than my lack of sleep and lack of word count, there really isn't anything interesting going on in my life.
The only thing remotely interesting is the TV shows I catch up on when I have time... okay when I'm procrastinating. I just caught up on Vampire Diaries and the season finale was a real eye baller. I was teared up at every second. And even though it is a lot more dramatic than my life, I can't help but make comparisons  Not to the whole vampire, werewolf, doppelganger fact but the fact that they're graduating which was the whole setting of the season finale. It just brought up a melancholic reminiscent feel. And I guess my fears of not graduating just make me feel like I'm going to be left behind. On a happier note, I also caught up with How I Met Your Mother and OH EM GEE!!! the season finale, we finally got to see who the mother was. Now we wait to see how they meet and their first encounter and the SPARK. EEEP I can't wait! My life now revolves around the excitement in a fictional character's life. I'm a tad bit sad, I know.
Officially gonna start my assignment now. I've had all night to do it and I've only opened it and read my introduction. It's a REALLYYY good intro. But now I gotta get a crack a lack in.
TTYL ♡X♡X

Sleep is a luxury

Tonight shall be my fourth sleepless night during this never ending saga of assignments. I have just been tumble weeding with assignments lately. Literally I'll finish one and then I'll have another one to do. There's really no break time in between. And it's not even like I'm trying to get a head start on assignments and I don't wanna take a break. It's legit like I'm struggling getting things in on time and I've been asking for extentions on every single one of my assignments. -_- YAY unilyfe. This current assignment that I due in about 10hours is less than half done, it's super confusing and hard and I hate my life. I've already had 2 no-doz pills and some coffee. I may not survive tonight... I sometimes don't know how I do it. I feel like theres so many simple things in this world that are free and yet are a luxury that I cannot afford, sleep being one of them.
I really should get back to doing my assignment since it's almost midnight and I've made jack all progress on this gay shit.
Hating on life so much right now.
Ttyl... if I don't die first lol
xoxo

HAIR GROWS!

I've been putting off getting my hair cut for sooo long. And now I've finally done it. I got it cut just plain and simple like I like it by my usual hair dresser. It's a tad shorter now and I have a few layers. Overall I'm a pretty happy :)
This is what it looks like. LOL it doesn't even look like I've gotten a hair cut. But if you look at my wallet and how it's $60 lighter, I'm sure you'll notice it then haha!

And I thought I'd also include a picture of just one bit of decorations they have around the store. This is a particular favorite of mine and it was in the bathroom haha.

OH and I hope everyone gets my 'Hair grows' title joke lol if you don't, it's a reference to Sabrina the teenage witch. Here's the whole episode http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yiqnuk02-OU but if you just wanna see the hair grows bit it starts at 14:05

I just love it because it is literally the dumbest and most obvious thing and yet so wise and insightful. HAIR GROWS! Every time I get my hair cut, that is literally what is going through my head haha. I acutally also like it because I feel like it kinda also has a deeper meaning, or maybe I'm crazy. But like even though you're having a shit time or life is getting you down, there's a rainbow at the end and life goes on. I feel like there's always a hidden silver lineing. And that is basically what the whole episode it trying to say, at least that's what I take from it. And it's just good and reassuring to know that... HAIR GROWS haha! :)

Any way, stay positive! lots of love xoxo

My ride outta this place broke down.

Looks like I'm staying on struggle street just a tad longer. I requested an extension for an assignment and received two extra days. Hopefully I'll get it in on time since I've got another assignment I have yet to even look at due in a week -_-
I am currently at uni in a 24hr lab trying to do my assignment. All nighter woo hoo :( I've had two no-doz pills at once sooo.... If you never hear from me again, I'd be worried lol
Also apparently struggle street involves A LOT OF FUCKING PROBLEMS. I saw a dentist today and forked over $130 for him to tell me that my teeth are all effed up. No shit Sherlock! Pretty sure that's why I am here -_- he didn't even do anything!!! Raging!!! >:( I have to see him again tomorrow to give him so more money. Whatever. I'm so over it!!!

Anyway that's basically the latest update. Honestly nothing really different. Still wanting to die and still got a lot of assessments.

Byeeeeee!!!

Struggle Street

I am currently residing on Struggle Street but don't worry I will be moving to Sleeping Lane ever so soon. Unfortunately this move will not be permanent and I shall possibly be moving back to Struggle Street or perhaps I'll live on Hectic Madness Crescent.
I'm legit about to die. Blogger while on the loo because that is legit the only time I have to do this post haha someone PLEASE put me out of my misery.
I just pulled my second all nighter this month. And now I have to go to placement and actually take care of patients in a hospital from 7-3:30 lol I would not put someone's care let alone their life in my hands. I'm running on a lot of caffeine, drank a double shot coffee last night and I've had about 4 no-doz pills. If I die, please just let me. Lol (in case something actually does happen to me and someone from the hospital happens to read this (don't know why they would lol), know that I was joking. Do NOT let me die. I am for resus!!! Not sure about organ donation. Still pending. But seriously! Save me!).
I word of advice for anyone wanting to be a nurse..... DON'T!
That was legit my word. Not kidding. If I knew it was gonna be this much work and this much stress and this much lack of sleep, I would have become a stripper. Not even kidding.
I miss sleeping, I miss my bed, I miss my nail polishes, and I actually miss the gym. The awful feeling of letting yourself go is just horrid. I'm bloated all the time and I just feel so fat and disgusting. Can't wait till this is all over. People say to stop thinking 'I'll be happy when...' and start appreciating what you have now. Well trust me that's all that's keeping me going right now. The hope that one day it'll all be better....


I hope everyone else's life is doing MUCH better than mine! Love ya!!! Xox!